Jesus drives an 18 wheeler by Martin Richardson

From: mri··d@cl··k.net (Martin Richardson)

Newsgroups: alt.horror.creative

Subject: Jesus drives an 18 wheeler

Date: 28 Sep 1994 14:50:01 GMT

Organization: Clark Internet Services, Inc., Ellicott City, MD USA

JESUS DRIVES AN 18 WHEELER

by Martin Richardson

(Authors Note: JESUS in this story is a spanish name, pronounced

HEY-SOO-S.)

Jesus was driving his 18 wheeler across the highways of Virginia.

His fuel tanker was filled to the brim with petrol, eagerly waiting to

be burnt out of existence in some gas-hogging automobile, and in some

small way disrupt the ecology of the world and bring civilization

closer to the brink of extinction. And perhaps this tankload would

push humanity over ...

Jesus didn't think so. No, not now. Not yet. That time was

still a long way off.

In the meantime, he had work to do. After all, he was the savior

of man and there were a LOT of sinners out there to reprimand.

He was now passing through a small town called Warsaw. Jesus

knew his geography. This was where all the stinking polacks lived.

They talked funny and they smelled bad and they did strange and idiotic

things and he just had to get the hell out of this town before he did

something stupid like wipe them off the face of the earth. GOD HIS

FATHER must have put them for a reason, and Jesus really didn't feel

like explaining to the old man right now why he has just sent one of

his creations into non-existence.

At the next stop light, Jesus reached over and picked up a rather

hefty bag of tan powder. This was 'Angel Dust', spice of the gods.

GOD HIS FATHER had sent this bag to him through his emissaries on

earth. It was the source of the light that helped him to realize that

he was the one true SON of God almighty. It gave him vision. It gave

him power. And, as an added bonus, it made him feel mighty damn good.

Right now Jesus was starting to loose that good feeling. He

needed some more 'god-spice' to get his power back up.

He quickly ingested some of the powder and immediately began to

feel revived.

Suddenly, a loud honking noise filled the air and a small, yellow

Volkswagen Beetle skidded around him. Jesus looked up and saw that

the light was burning green. A lone arm extended from the drivers

window as it passed and the middle finger of the hand on that arm

uncurled and pointed straight up to the sky.

Jesus's brow suddenly curled into an angry scowl. So what if he

was a little late at the light. That was no excuse to give him,

Jesus, SON of God, the finger.

And Jesus knew what the finger meant.

'GO TO HELL!'.

This man had just committed blasphemy. It was time for him to

pay for his sins.

Jesus threw the truck into gear and stomped on the gas peddle.

The truck shot forward and began picking up speed at an alarming rate.

Jesus had been angered.

Not two miles down the road he came in view of the little yellow

Bug. It was speeding along as if nothing had happened.

Had this man no remorse? He had just flipped off the SON of God

and now he was practically GLOATING about it!

Surely this must be an agent of Satan, thought Jesus. He stepped

up his speed.

Jesus was on top of the Bug before the driver knew what was

happening. The front of the 18 wheeler ripped into the rear of the

Bug, crushing the bumper and twisting the wheel-wells into the tires.

There were two loud pops and the Beetle suddenly began skidding out of

control.

Jesus saw the driver frantically trying to regain control of his

car, a look of horror now replacing the gloating smirk, and smiled.

The car skidded sideways, and suddenly began flipping over and

over down the highway. It looked like the pair of dice Jesus had in

his shirt pocket when he rolled them.

The car flipped down the road another 50 or so yards before

finally flipping into a tree and coming to a crashing halt.

Jesus hit the brakes with both feet and brought his truck to a

stop as well. He backed the rig up to see what was left.

The car was resting right side up against the tree. Jesus was

surprised to see how the roof hadn't caved in as much as he has

expected. That German (fuckin' Nazi's) engineering was something

else. He was also surprised that the car had landed right side up,

rather than on it's top or sides. Perhaps his father was showing some

mercy on the blasphemous pig? The rest of the car was so ripped and

torn, you would be hard pressed to recognize it as a Beetle any more.

It kind of looked like an old tin can that had been banged repeatedly

with a hammer.

Now Jesus saw the driver. There was blood all over the windows,

but he was still alive and moving. He was bent down looking at

something in the passengers seat. He suddenly came up with it in his

arms.

It was a young woman.

Or at least, it had been.

Her face was one bloody mass, and the man was still pulling long

shards of windshield glass from it. One eye was hanging out of it's

socket, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole, from

which was pouring large amounts of blood. The man was frantically

trying to put the eye back into place, but his fingers were too strong

and the eye poped, oozing goo all over his hand.

And the man in the car was actually crying!

Jesus's anger grew.

This man had sinned against the SON of God, and as a result

another had suffered. This man was a MURDERER!

Jesus aimed the front of the truck at the bug and mashed the gas

peddle for all he was worth.

The man in the car looked up with a horrified look and opened his

mouth to scream...

But Jesus got there first.

The rig tore into what remained of the Bug, burying it, and the

sinning pig inside beneath the huge tires. Jesus heard a pop as one

of the truck's massive wheels was punctured by the car. Jesus smiled

and imagined the pop to be the mans head bursting apart beneath the

massive weight of the semi.

Jesus backed the truck up to the road again. The bug was a mass

of twisted metal, glass, and rubber.

And there was no sign of life.

The sinner had paid.

Jesus parked the rig and got out to fix the tire. The front

grillwork of his 18 wheeler was a mess. Jesus plucked out shards of

metal from it in disgust. Quickly, he unhooked the spare from beneath

the rig and within minutes the truck was again whole and ready for the

road.

Jesus got back in the cab and started it up. The engine cranked

to life, spouting clouds of black smoke from the overhead exhaust

stack. Putting the rig into gear, Jesus headed back down the highway.

GOD HIS FATHER would be mighty proud when he spoke to him tonight and

that gave Jesus a good feeling. Such a good feeling in fact that

Jesus decided he would try and do more good by ridding the world of a

few more sinners before the day ended.

Grabbing the bag of god spice, Jesus headed down the highway.