odd_story

Well, I wrote this for my English class last year, and I figured that I might as well post it here, seeing as how my teacher actually praised it (and with him, that's no easy task, believe me). It doesn't have anything to do with dragons, really, but . . . well, you'll see if you read it. I must give warning and say that this story contains *mild profanity* and is, at points, *extremely tongue-in-cheek.* I will also say that it *moves quickly and rushes.* The reason for that being it was just a silly assignment. Finally, I didn't write the first paragraph (don't ask). Don't say I never warned ya.

Ronny's Plight

The tanning booth was always refreshing, mush like a spa. Ronny went to his ‘94 Thunderbird aware of the cold evening air. He would leave this soon for a short respite. John Denver's old, "Jet Plane" quieted his defroster's efforts. His job prevented much relaxation. Smiling to himself he shifted into drive. After running some errands Ronny would go to meet his blind date. He wondered how exactly she would look. He had talked to her on the telephone responding to her personal ad in the newspaper, but that gave no clear indication of her physical or emotional attributes. One day he would buy a computer to meet people over the Internet. There would be no surprises that way.

"Ow!" Ronald looked to see that his middle finger which had been tapping rhythmically to the music had been cut on a jagged edge protruding from the door handle. He sucked on his bleeding finger and fiddled with the tuner aiming for a frequency playing more irritating music. He decided to leave the radio on the station that was playing The Offspring. Farmer Bob had paid Ronny earlier in the week to make a delivery of livestock to the nearby meat processing plant, so he also had to contend with the trailer he hauled containing three pigs, six chickens, and a single sheep. The animals had not been making much commotion lately, so Ronald decided to pull over to the side of the road and check on them. He opened the door carefully avoiding the metal shard he found earlier and sauntered to the back of his car. Opening the trailer he noticed one of the chickens had managed to hop over the little fence of the containment area, so the calm man picked up the hen to put her back. The hen, however, did not like this arrangement and decided to peck at his chest.

"Dammit!" yelled Ronny as he tossed the chicken back into its little pen. He looked down to see that his shirt was ripped in a number of spots and that blood was dripping from his wounds. Ronny pulled off the torn clothing to inspect the damage and was relieved to see nothing severe, just a few slight gashes. He padded them with the ruined cloth he held and headed back into the car. The diligent man reached over to the passenger's seat grabbing a leather vest so that he could cover up his scars. Ronald decided to drive faster so he could drop off the livestock before any of them caused any more trouble. He smiled and began to think about his date again, how she would look, how she would react to him. Then Ronny thought about the ad and the phone call, wondering what exactly she meant by "open-minded." The smile drained from his face. What did she mean? He shook his head to regain his composure. It took Ronny almost an hour to drive to the processing plant. When trying to unload the animals, they all ran off and wandered about, unwilling to become someone's meal. Even worse, the security guard seemed to enjoy watching Ronny's being tormented by the livestock. When the vigilant man had finally collected the unwilling volunteers, the sentry grinned evilly and spoke out to Ronny.

"Havin' a little difficulty, son?" The man's wrinkles emphasized his already hideous glare.

"I'd like to see you wrangle all these animals, jerk!" the irritated Ronald blurted out.

"Oh, and I suppose you don't need my help to get in?" The sentinel smirked triumphantly.

"Listen, I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible, okay?" Ronny relented.

"Well, then." The guard handed Ronny a necklace. "Here, just slide this thingamajig through the slot over to your left." He still smiled wickedly.

"What the hell is this?" Ronny examined the necklace, which turned out to be an ID strap on a band.

"I dunno, but it shore looks purty with your vest!" The guard couldn't contain his inconceivable glee and began to laugh audibly. Ronald walked away as quickly as he could and rounded the corner while the sentry began whooping with delight.

"Ass," the vexed man muttered under his breath. The animals' unwillingness and the hassles with the security guard took the energy out of him and, having dropped off the unfortunate critters, Ronny longed to meet his blind date. The two were scheduled to meet at her house in an hour, and Ronald would hardly have any time to freshen up before he took his date to the latest Pauly Shore movie. He took the leather ID strap from the plant and draped it around his neck as he had no pockets in his vest and his pants had holes in theirs. Now the fatigued man had to drop off the trailer his friend lent him. Ronny drove over to the Pine Earth Horse Ranch and immediately saw Bill waiting for him with a riding whip in his hand. Bill smirked and said, "Boy, look what the cat dragged in!"

"Hey, I'm entitled to one bad day every year, okay?" responded Ronny. "Anyway, where can I leave this trailer?"

"Oh, just anywhere is fine. I'll take care of it," said Bill. "You remembered to reinforce the hitch with a chain, right? That old thing wobbles an awful lot without one."

"Yeah, I took care of that," Ronny answered.

"Hey, I gotta get back to work or the boss will yell at me. Would you hold this ‘till I get back?" Bill held out the crop for Ronny to take. The tired man reluctantly grabbed Bill's offering. "Well– I have to get going–"

"Good, thanks! See you around, Ronny!" Bill patted him on the back, then ran off to do his work. The disconcerted Ronny untied the chain from the trailer and unhitched it from his car. As he was about to open the Thunderbird's door, he noticed a sheep hiding in the passenger's side back footwell. "Dammit! What the hell are you doing there!" yelled the unfortunate one. He wiped his forehead and checked the time. He only had fifteen minutes to meet his date. Mumbling obscenities all the way, Ronald blazed through the streets at ninety miles per hour. The sheep was not used to traveling so fast and it began bleating, prompting Ronny to grab and hold it in an attempt to calm it down. As he pulled up to the address mentioned in the telephone call, he accidentally struck his left foot on the Thunderbird's door. The normally calm and carefree man was now furious and his blood pressure became so high that his finger and chest began to bleed again. As Ronny opened the car door, the sheep bolted out of his lap and onto his date's front porch, ripping Ronny's pants in the process. The hemorrhaging man hobbled out of his car still holding the chain and riding whip. He hopped on his right foot up to the door and seized the frightened ewe. The poor animal struggled to break free and in the process flailed its legs against the door of the house. Slowly the door opened. Both the sheep and Ronny were quieted by the seductive voice from inside. "Are you Ronald?" she asked. Ronald smiled weakly as he stood on one foot wearing a leather vest, his torn khaki trousers, and black collar while bleeding from both his chest and left middle finger and holding a chain, crop, and sheep at the door.

"I like men who get to the point," the seductive female voice rang from within the house as a scaly claw gently grabbed Ronny's shoulder and pulled him inside.

Okay, so the story only makes sense if you're a pervert. So sue me! :)

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"Nothin'" by Reel Big Fish