The Lutzblog Archive

The collection of thoughts I post on my BearBlog. Everything I wanted to say on regular social media, but kept to myself because I didn’t want to deal with commentary from randos!

The Posts

Oct 28, 2025

…and I just realized that it is a pre transition photo of myself. I went from this…to THIS! I am making a silly face, but in all fairness, I make that face all the time. Note that someone else is taking the photo.

In my early to mid twenties, I didn’t want to wear baggy or hardline masculine clothing because I was afraid of being “ugly.” I had little confidence and wanted to be more socially acceptable to minimize the likelihood of people being mean to me. I also associated menswear with a period where I was extremely miserable, aka high school. I convinced myself that I had wanted to look like a boy because I hated the world, and I’d been designing my appearance to be as repellent as possible so that nobody would bother me. But that wasn’t true at all. It was the narrative I pushed at myself to suppress the gender dysphoria that was consuming me from the inside out, like a gastric ulcer leaking digestive juices into my abdominal cavity.

Presenting androgynously was not an act of self hatred or self sabotage. I was punished by my family and my classmates for a variety of unfair, stupid reasons, but the biggest ones were being butch and exhibiting strong autistic traits. I was ostracized, shamed, and bullied relentlessly at school and at home, yet I clung to my gender presentation like my life depended on it. It probably did. I was asserting my personhood while everything around me was trying to stomp it out.

BEHOLD: a photo of me from 2010, age 17! This child is NOT cis! You can see the torment in my eyes combined with a grave self preservation.

As I entered my twenties and distanced myself from being butch, I knew deep down that if I got a men’s haircut, dyed it purple, put on some thick chains, and wore men’s clothes, I would like what I saw. I would like it so much that I’d never be able to go back, and it frightened me because I knew a masculine presentation could stigmatize me further. Because I had severe untreated social anxiety back then, the last thing I wanted to do was take risks with my identity.

It took me a very long time to work up enough confidence to accept being nonbinary, come out to everyone, and live openly as a butch androgyne. It took a lot of therapy, a lot of self reflection, and a lot of medication before my brain was calm enough to embrace who I truly am, and I am one peculiar little dude. I didn’t think I’d ever see the day when I’d be happy with what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t realize how many changes have taken place until I compared my current self to the one from six years ago. Damn… things really do change, and life really does start after 30.

Oct 27, 2025

I compared the use of social media to gambling in my previous blog entry, but it’s also a lot like eating Doritos. They taste good and they’re fun to eat, but they’re designed to massage the brain’s pleasure centers and will make you feel sick if you eat too many of them. Doritos are okay sometimes, as is posting updates on what you’re getting up to. However, one cannot eat Doritos for every meal, and one cannot spend all their free time on a forum or app. Everything in moderation!

Oct 26, 2025

It’s been awhile since I stopped being as active on social media and comic art communities. It’s not because I’ve been struggling with my mental health—quite the opposite! I haven’t felt the need to seek validation from the internet the way I used to because I’ve been chilling with my real homies lately. We’re goofing off, having fun, sharing our projects and stories with each other, and being honest about what we’re feeling. In contrast, being active on forums, social media, and chatrooms felt like talking to the air with the hope that someone would witness it and give me some of that precious Validation.

Posting on social media felt a lot like gambling, and it was addictive in the same way because I never knew what I was gonna get. Sometimes I’d get rave reviews of my thoughts and art, other times I’d get lukewarm responses, and occasionally I’d get negative feedback. A lot of the time, it was silence. I kept posting and posting to get that rush of positive attention, that rave review. I was chasing the dragon. It was hard to stop because I was desperate to connect with people, even if that connection was not genuine or meaningful. Now that I have true friendship, I don’t feel like I have to farm positive affirmations from people I don’t know or trust. Funny how that works.

I had to cope with a lot of interpersonal drama, flame wars, and gossip when I was still active in communities and I don’t have the energy to deal with it anymore. The social media rat race is overwhelming and I need to step back. I work a full time job, I’m 32 years old, and my free time becomes more precious with every day that passes. I have to ration my time by removing anything that takes me away from my hobbies and the enjoyment of my life overall. One of those things was regular social media activity. I also cut off people who only came around to complain or gossip, didn’t reciprocate my energy, or were taking advantage of me. I don’t regret it and I feel a lot lighter now.

My second comic is deep in production and I will begin posting it publicly in the foreseeable future. Considering how gratuitously gross and sexual it is, working on it without the public breathing down my neck has been a treat. I will unleash it upon the world when I’m good and ready.

When you’re deep in a situation, especially when it’s unpleasant, it tends to color your worldview and make you think that the entire planet is the same as what you’re dealing with. People who are constantly interacting with social media tend to lose touch with what matters and argue over problems that have no basis in reality; this issue has been cropping up more and more lately. Life doesn’t have to be like this, however. When you turn off the noise and chaos blasting from apps on your phone and computer, everything becomes peaceful. It’s easier to think clearly and appreciate the small details of life, like the way your dog’s scalp wrinkles between the ears, how the sunlight slants across the room from the front window, the feeling of wind in your hair. You can sit down and create projects that are true to your vision instead of making tidbits that don’t fulfill you in a bid to appeal to an algorithm.

Away from the war zone of Xitter is my garden of unearthly delights. Come sit with me a spell and I’ll show you my favorite things.

Oct 13, 2025

Earlier today, my supervisor in the bakery at work told me with amusement that someone left a negative review of the store because they didn’t like somebody’s hair color. They wrote “[store name] should not be hiring people with purple hair. It makes them look unprofessional.” He thought it was funny that someone got so worked up over something so stupid.

Wow, I wonder who they could be talking about?? Who’s the only person working in the entire store with a well-maintained purple dye job? ME!!!!!!!!!!!! You wanna call me a slur while you’re at it? Say the line about pronouns! I know you want to! 🤪

If some rando has such a problem with joy and whimsy that they wanna go on a review site and whine about it, they can go ahead and do it. The company I work for will continue to let me labor over pastries full time as long as I can tolerate it. I’m not going away. You will say thank you to the purple haired dyke wearing a Guy Fieri-style flame shirt as they hand you your son’s Pokemon birthday cake.

Being alternative is no longer enough to stop managers from hiring people. The winds of change are a-blowing. First the crotchety old people said “no one will hire you if you have dyed hair and tattoos” and then they said “people with dyed hair and tattoos should not be allowed to work.” Those goalposts sure do get moved a lot.

My purple hair is so important to my personal identity that I keep it meticulously maintained. I keep it extremely short and I get it trimmed every three weeks. I use color depositing shampoo to keep the purple from fading between bleach and dye jobs, which I do myself every four months or so. I will never go back to being blond.

My hair gives me intense gender euphoria because it makes me look the way I feel on the inside. I remember when the concept of expressing my individuality by altering my physical appearance was so distant as to be unattainable; something that I’d never be allowed to achieve. Every once in awhile I have dreams where I look at myself in the mirror and watch in horror as my hair grows back into the He-Man bob cut I was forced to wear until I moved out of my childhood home.

Oct 12, 2025

Looks like I have a blog now. Cool and good. I’ve been thinking about running a blog for a long time because I have a lot to say about my variety of interests. I wanna write reviews of my favorite movies, albums, and books. Not many people have written about the media I cherish, so let’s change that! I have a yearning to view extreme cinema and gross art through an intellectual, humanist lens. Not enough people are doing that. I have my work cut out for me.

I grew up being told not to talk about difficult, weird, or upsetting topics because they’ll rock the boat and make people uncomfortable, even if it’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Nobody wants to talk about it, and it’s driving me crazy. So let’s talk about it! Get it all out in the open so we can get a good, long look at this abomination that’s been bothering everyone. The more you know about the problem, the easier it is to deal with it. Sometimes that problem is the complete lack of people having smart things to say about “Severed Survival” by Autopsy. You know, the death metal album that sounds like it was recorded in a torture chamber in the bottom of a sewer.

Anyway, expect me to be sharing my thoughts on morbid, obscure topics in the coming days. I am planning on having a grand old time.

September 28, 2025

It went great! Pearl & I spent the week in Chicago, ate a bunch of food, & went to several museums. The chemistry was effortless—you’d expect a lot of awkward pauses and gaffes when going from online to irl, but there weren’t any. We both made it home safely & now we figure out how to do it again!!

September 20, 2025

I can’t believe I’m actually going to meet my best friend for the first time in real life in a couple days. She is coming ALL the way from the UK. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa??? aaAAAAaaaAAAAaaAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 11, 2025

Breaking from all the hand wringing and doomery think pieces on your timeline to tell everyone that I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. it was yummy and nobody was beating each other to death over the new logo. The inside looks exactly the same as it did when I was 3 years old in 1996. I got chicken and dumplings, broccoli, and fried okra, which also happens to be the same thing as I’ve been getting since I was 3.

September 9, 2025

I found a packet of vanilla beans in the cabinet that I’d forgotten about, so I bought some cheap silver rum to make vanilla extract with it. This stuff gonna be baked into some god tier cookies about 6 months from now lol.

September 9, 2025

I know I’m not the only one who deals with this, bc my BFF has the same issue, but who else gets seasonal depression in the *summer*?? It’s too bright, too hot, too loud, too many people around, too humid. I love it when the sun sets at 4:30pm. I’m in the minority, but I’m happiest in the dark. The leaves are starting to turn colors, the sun sets earlier every day, and I’m looking forward to spooky season. I’m in my glory from late September onwards.

August 29, 2025

I hate exposing my followers to transphobia even to debunk a post, but we need to be careful about spreading misinfo these days. Joey Mannarino has despicable opinions, but no reach. Entering death spirals every time some talking head says something stupid will only demoralize us. People make wild claims. Fact check EVERYTHING. Don’t believe anything unless it’s proven true. Doomposting is a trap. It has a destabilizing effect that makes it impossible to do anything, even taking care of daily tasks. I will mute you if I see you doing it. Consider the idea that concern trolls are aware that many LGBTQ ppl have mental health issues (myself included) & are taking advantage of your anxiety by spreading propaganda that destabilizes you. Do not let them live rent free in your head.

You will never get rid of my purple haired, pronoun having ass. You will be forced to gaze upon my Y2K button up flame shirts. You will call me “sir” when I’m facing away from you & get flustered & say “uhhh I mean ma’am???” when I turn around. You will behold my glory when I’m shopping at Walmar.

August 26, 2025

Watching the Fist of the North Star movie because I'm in the mood to watch some over-the-top gory action and anime bodily yuckiness. Damn not even 5 minutes in and we have a city full of people melting, this is gonna be something else. Wowee imagine sticking one finger out and poking your friend in the chest so hard it goes all the way through his body.

August 22, 2025

Oh lawdy. On Saturday, I am going to be thirty two years old. Being over 30 and able to function without being in a constant state of mental breakdown is a dream I thought I’d never see to fruition, but I’m living it. The world is in a chaotic and difficult state of flux at the moment, but I carry on.

A pattern that has featured in my life since I was 13: When I am facing high levels of stress and chaos in my life, I get really, REALLY into death metal. Right now it’s Autopsy. I am obsessed with how surreal & putrid their sound is. It has the same atmosphere as a weird nightmare. I’m in love. I was telling my husband about Autopsy and I described them sounding like “a torture chamber in a sewer with guts on the floor but in a good way and it’s somehow really goofy” and he was like “haha I’m glad you’re having fun”. Btw if anyone knows of old school death/doomy metal bands from the late 80s/early 90s that have a surreal and gruesome sound, hit me up. I already know about Obituary, which is in the vein of what I’m talking about, but if you have more recc’s I’d love to hear them.

August 17, 2025

No amount of horror and pain this world throws at me can ever stop me from being weird and silly. If you cut my arms off and tossed me in an oubliette, I’d still be drawing stupid creatures on the mold-encrusted wall with my bloody stumps.

August 16, 2025

NOOOO WAYYY! One of my favorite bands, Coroner, is going to be releasing a new album for the first time in 32 years. Their most recent work, “Grin,” came out the year I was born. They just released a new single!! YES!!! IT’S AWESOME!!!! AAAH! I’m losing my mind. Coroner has been one of my fave bands since I was 14. I would have been happy with their body of work, but I always hoped they’d cut a new album. My birthday is next week & this single is like a bday gift, Christmas, and 420 all rolled into one. YAAAAAAAY! The album “Dissonance Theory” comes out October 17. I’m going to be watching that release countdown like a hawk and marking it on my calendar. If you’re a metalhead who’s hugely into technical thrash like I am, keep your little ears out for it. They’ve always made weird, mind melting music.

August 16, 2025

If you are concerned by the rapid enshittification of platforms, like I am, I strongly suggest making your own website and putting all of your stuff onto it. You may not have a huge audience, but you have full control of what you put on it & it can look however you want. The freedom is great. If it’s possible, find someone who can help you with coding. My bestie Pearlnight is helping me code my own website. If you don’t have one, learn HTML and CSS. W3Schools is a godsend. It might take a bit but it’s doable. Take back your freedom. Make your voice heard on your terms. Get on Neocities. Get out from under the boot of huge platforms that can change everything in a split second! I can’t stand the instability of social media, which is why I can’t rely on them. This also happens to be why I don’t freelance. When I don’t know where my next paycheck is coming from, I get brainworms. Clearly a website is not a substitute for having a shoutbox like a platform, but think of your site as your little home. Go out to the socmed village & share the word, then direct them to your stuff and let them have a look around. there’s so much more to the net than shouting into an algorithm.

August 12, 2025

Did some hardcore cleaning. My husband helped me set up my new loft bed. I put a bunch of stuff under there for storage. I have a floor again! Got rid of one of my bookshelves bc it was literally falling to pieces & tossed my old dresser bc it’s dissolving too. My room is finally presentable yaay! I still need to vacuum & organize some stuff on my other shelves, but it’s a night and day difference. My mattress was on the floor with very little walkable space. It was a depression nest, no other way to describe it. Btw if any of you are wondering why there’s only one twin bed in here and I’m calling it “my room”, even though I am married, it’s bc I have severe sensory issues that make it impossible to share a bed. We’re both autistic & having our own caves keeps us sane. I’m happy with it and so is he.

August 11, 2025

Every time I get irritated at unmonitored children running rampant around a store, I remind myself that I don’t have to go home and deal with kids of my own. I will never regret my decision to be childfree. Every time I see the diaper aisle, I think “look at all this money I don’t have to spend!”

July 26, 2025

Quit giving your kids unmonitored internet access. Cyberspace is not and has never been child friendly. I’m sick of platforms being forced to censor adult content because someone’s iPad baby “might” see it. God forbid they see a queer person. Oh no!!!! I don’t go on social media very much anymore because every time I pop my little purple head out of my hidey hole, something absurd is happening because conservatives make up new things to have moral panics about and foist it upon everyone else. It’s very tiring. Every time a mass moral panic breaks out, it inspires a thriving underground scene. Hopefully it’ll be the case this time. Lovely how censorship is getting out of control as I’m preparing an extremely gross horror comic that has gay sex in it! Oh well lmao they can’t stop me.

June 9, 2025

My best friend finally left her emotionally abusive girlfriend, and on Pride Month no less. I’m so proud of her!! I’ll be the first one to tell you that leaving an abuser is very, very hard. They’ll worm their way into your brain and get you to think horrible things about yourself. I am so thrilled and happy to watch her grow and thrive now that she’s finally free!! It’s been a few days & we both feel so much better. I’ve been close mutual friends with this person & she’d been bullying me too, so it was a dual-fisted breakup. Lots of emotions lately bc we’re unpacking the whole thing, but we’re far more stable and happy! I’ve been drawing more regularly too.

June 5, 2025

Something I’ve learned over the years of struggling with my mental heath is that your life will immediately improve once you stop engaging with people, places, and things that are bad for you. It sounds so simple, but i used to recreationally doomscroll & hang out in spaces with putrid vibes. You often don’t realize how much something has been bothering you until it’s no longer a part of your life. Sometimes you’ll feel trapped in a bad situation because you worry that leaving will have social repercussions. Maybe it will, who knows—but the discomfort of walking away is better than being bullied into staying with people who don’t respect you.

June 5, 2025

After being given the runaround from workers comp for weeks, I had my first physical therapy appointment for my elbow today! The PT says my nerve inflammation is mild & easily treatable. Crazy how a month ago I was having a huge breakdown about not being able to draw & now I’m almost back to normal. I’ll be going twice a week for a month and a half. I am looking forward to the night I won’t have to strap my elbow into a splint, I miss sleeping in the fetal position!!

June 3, 2025

I am working on my Neocities site because I haven’t touched it in ages. I’m creating a gallery of my work, much of which hasn’t been posted anywhere in public! I’ve been needing a permanent repository for my art for a long time. My bestie Pearl helped me put together the code!! I’ve been posting way less now that I have actual friends and don’t feel the need to use social media as a dopamine dispenser. The downside is that people don’t get to see my art very often. Pretty soon everything will be in one place and it’ll be my very own little corner! I’ll post the link to the site once I’m done putting it together. My plan is to make the design fun while still being accessible and easy to read.

May 14, 2025

THE DOC SAYS I’M OKAY TO DRAW AGAIN!!! I’m not at 100% yet, but she said I should be okay as long as I take breaks. She actually said “you have to draw at least a little, you’ll go mad!” And I said “YES YOURE RIGHT, I HAVE BEEN”

May 2, 2025

Hey guys, I haven’t been active or making art in a few weeks. I oughta tell you why. I’ve been having arm pain from a work injury. Yesterday I was diagnosed with ulnar nerve neuropathy, which is a fancy way of saying I hurt my funny bone! Luckily it’s not serious & I should be ok in a few weeks. The whole time I thought it was a strain or a sprain in my wrist. Urgent care said the same thing. I was confused that the pain was moving and was worried my wrist getting worse. I was focusing on the wrong joint. it was nerve pain that was traveling down my arm via my inflamed ulnar nerve. It’s such a relief knowing exactly what it is. I’ll start physical therapy as soon as workers comp goes through.

April 9, 2025

Happy to report that I’ve backed up all of my art files from the past 7 years onto an external drive! If something happened to my iPad and I lost all of my artwork, I would scream SO loud and probably die. Multi-terabyte external hard drives are pretty cheap nowadays, so get one and save your work.